In their onesies they look like a pack of ravenous, fluffy toys.
Down’s World
A story by Patrick Hyde.
Read it here for fwee.
Chapter Two
The Shopping Precinct
Friday
Approximately 5pm
Since 2049
Utilities became fully automated Ai’s
As self sufficient, green energy came
all at once
So, a sustainable working energy system lives on without surprise
As long as the robots continue
as they had done
All essential systems are still online
Given what Ai efficiency has become
Linda is not surprised, even now
That everything still runs
Into the post apocalypse
Carousel shopping centre
Enter Linda In black tank top
Cargo pants
And carrying an AR 18 assault rifle
Gun drawn to her chin
Stepping through the debris In a vast, polished,
fully lit hall
Of defaced shop fronts
Blaring music and light flashing stalls
Looted shops, dead bodies,
windows smashed in
“God help me”
Spray painted on the wall
“Losers”
Says Linda as she starts jogging
Struggling along breathlessly: I’m so weak,
I’m already hitting the wall
Now, remember it’s just a ways in front
As Sussudeo plays throughout the mall
Linda looks almost emaciated
Then, she hears someone laughing maniacally
WTF?, this can’t be?
She hides behind a lotto kiosk stall
And points her gun and scopes
Down to the end of the hall
A ransacked Seven Eleven
There’s a commotion
She points her weapon
At the weirdest notion
A little zebra with a cherub face is squatting down next to a purple, frozen juice tub:
Hah. Spaz. Homo. Weasel juice!
He puts his mouth under the nozzle
And out it flows
Cold, grape flavoured Mutha Freeze
Linda watches him as he drinks
behind a window
WTF? She doesn’t know
She lowers her gun as she takes in
bizarre scenes
Four little boys in onesies, jungle themed
Linda aside to herself:And one of those white,
plastic, servile
Home carer robots in tow
WALL-E
No, Chappie
No, wait, Pal Zee, that’s it… fuck me
If children survived, then there’s hope…
She looks again
By the broken automatic front door
Of the brightly lit store
A yellow lion is watching and dancing
While a little brown bear and the zebra
are wrestling
But there’s this god-awful
whooping and wailing
She’s not sure what this is
Maybe the robot’s systems are failing
It’s just standing there
And jumping and shouting at the bear
That lion looks more like a little man
And that zebras got beard hair
Linda: I’m not sure exactly
Some kind of danger this
Linda: their look and sound…
It’s definitely not kids
As a little, chubby, grey cat with rosy cheeks
Comes out from the back of the store
Mumbling to the two fighting in a fit
Linda: That cat’s got a an ice cream tub
And a jumbo bag of chips
Linda: That robot is just standing there
watching all of this
A bag of twizlers… Linda licking her lips:
God I’d love some chips
Pal Zee turns: Put those back now Joe!
Grey cat: Nup nup nup No!
Pal Zee: Those are not healthy you know
Grey cat: Yeh, seh, soh!
Pal Zee: Well, just one this time
and then we go
The brown bear screams:
Germy ya homo!
As the zebra pushes him
into a magazine row
The lion jumps around and shakes his hands to and fro:
Jaooooowel!
Pal Zee turns and points: Jeremy let him go
His voice is calm and slow
These kids look like little men
with chubby faces
Their voices something like 13 year old boys
That one has tufts of hair in places
In their onesies
They look like a pack of ravenous, fluffy toys
Linda comes out from behind the lotto kiosk: Nobody move! Hands up! Let’s go!
Brown bear: Yaaah! She’s going to kill us!
The grey cat eating chips: I don’t think so
Linda: Put your fucking hands up!
This is a fucking gun ya know!
The five comply
Linda: Alright, nice and slow
Inside The People Mover
Approximately 6pm
Joe sits up the very back
Joel, Nick and Jeremy sit in front of him
Seatbelts strapped In a row of three
And driving up the front is Pal Zee
Joel, behind Pal Zee: Why?
Pal Zee, driving: I don’t know, Joel
Joel: But why?
**Silence**
Jeremy: Weasel juice! Joel
Joel: Why did that lady eat weasel juice?
** Important **
Weasel juice
Or more usually, “Wheezin’ tha juice”
Is a reference to the 1992 stoner classic Encino man
Staring Pauly Shore as Stoney
And Brendan Fraser as Link
To “Wheeze tha juice”
Is to turn the tap of a frozen soda machine
Whilst placing one’s mouth open underneath
“Wheezin tha juice”
Is done all for free
Winning great approval on screen
From an appreciative Stoney
Partly misunderstood is this phrase by Joel and Jeremy
“Weasel juice” is essentially the same
Only slightly more “tangy”
**Please Note**
Due to the programming of Pal Zee
He is proficient in many pop culture topics
Including Fast and the Furious 33
And the Incredible, Amazing Spider Man
One, two and three
Joel: Why did she take Joe’s bag of chiiiiiips?
Pal Zee: She was just very hungry
Joel: Why?
Nick: Jooooel! She wanted us to cry
She had a gun you see
And she obviously knows about our mil, military!
**Joel Silent**
Nick exasperated: The River Boys!!!
As if Joel should know
Nick: She knows us. Seeee!
Joel: Oh yeah. But why?
Joe, up the very back: Sha sha she took my chips
She’s going to die… payback fo dis
Nick with a lisp: The River Boys
We have to organise for this
The boys didn’t see any more of Linda
She ran off after she stole Joe’s chips
and drank weasel juice
Joe also had his ice cream stolen by her
She looked really cute
Thought Jeremy
She can lick a poo
Thought Joel
She could become a River Boy too
Thought Nick
I lost my ice cream to you
Thought Joe
Initiate nighttime automobile to residence transition number two
Thought Pal Zee
As he pulls into the driveway of a warm, glowing house
In a suburb once described as “Well-to-do”
Track Two:
Voice Recording
Perth, Western Australia
Friday 23 September 2050
9:02pm
Linda Hegerty
When the machines went online
The world changed in so many ways
They lived while so many had to die
They’re all responsible
Even for those freaks I saw today
The mall was practically empty of food
All gone except for some goddam reason,
there’s still a Subway
People must have been crazy
not to smash and loot
Before the end, but would you believe it today
As around a corner I flew
A fucking robot asks me “What can I get for you?”
The machines have taken over
Subway was the first to go online in 2042
So I played along
To see what they would do
“Would you like it toasted?
Which cheese can I get for you?”
An array of the freshest food
There were sirens, red and blue
The machines called after me
“Police are now after you”
As I snatched my food and ran
Out the door I flew
Subway was the first to go online in 2042
I’ve found myself an island to secure myself in
A twin storey house nearby
Clean and empty
Not like out there in that fucking zoo
What a relief it is
To finally eat real food
I have to go back there tomorrow
And find a vehicle to use
Real ham, pickles and olives
Extra mayo too!