Zombie, eat a dick.
Down’s World
A story by Patrick Hyde.
Read it here for fwee.
Chapter Three
The Shopping Precinct
The next day
Approximately 8am
The boys roll along in formation
With Pal Zee at the back
Five red, shopping mobility scooters
As out of Pal Zee’s back, Kenny Loggins blares:
I went tooo tha daynja zooooonnnne!!!
Joel in the middle: Attack, attack, attack!
Jeremy speeds up faster
Out the front, on his own: Jooooel, stupid,
blinky sausage roll hat!
Until, at the Subway stall
They screech to a standstill as a pack
Joel: Siri, preeze pause track
**BEEP**
The Subway robot: hello Joel, welcome back
Jeremy: Awe Joel, pretty preeze
Kiss my sack!
The boys line up
As the two robots open up the salad rack?
Joel is always first
The leader of the pack
Then Nick, his bestie, then Jeremy,
then Joe last
Joe doesn’t care
Subway is not his favourite snack
Pal Zee stands back
As each boy rummages for a wallet
Inside their zip-up packs
Joel: Germy, shut up! Cumquat rat!
Jeremy: Awe Joel
Thinking: How can I answer that…
Nick is talking to himself:
No no, um I don’t like that
Joel: Um twelve inch, white and turkey…
SLAP!
As he squeezes Nick’s chubby face
Preeze sweetie honey!!!
Nick: Jooooel not like that
The boys order and then get distracted
Pal Zee is there to keep them on track
Carefully prompting them
Subway bot: Fifty cents extra for that
As Jeremy asks for tuna
On his pickle and ham
Joe: wh wh why do you do that?
Jeremy: Leave me alone
Jeremy: Sweetie, little cat!
Jeremy: Awe Joooel!
Joel to the robot: Maynaise preeze
Joel: More preeze
Joel: More
Until the sauce container runs empty…Sploging with each squeeze
Each boy uses his money
With prompting from Pal Zee
Jeremy: Oooh thank yooo honey!
Subway bot: $17.95 please
Pal Zee: Jeremy use the red 20
That one, see?
From behind a counter
That used to sell sushi
Linda scopes: I just need a car
and some money
Maybe I can rob these freaks?
Otherwise I’m losing hope
She’s already tried searching dead bodies
But ever since face scans replaced keys
Getting a car is not as easy as it seems
And Linda can’t remember
The last time she handled actual money
But why should these losers
just do as they please?
The boys take off
But not before Joel rugby tackles Pal Zee
In a great big hug
Nick and Jeremy smile
Jeremy: Awe shweed…
Joe’s deep voice: Heh heh shweed
Joel puts his middle finger inside his mouth
Reaches up and sticks it in palzees “ear”
Wed willeee!
Pal Zee: Joel please…
Slowly they all take off on scooters
Joel: See wee
Da danja jone preeze!
Linda watches them go
Then rolls over the counter like a commando
She makes her way over
Subway bots scan her face: **Code yellow**
Linda smells a dream of bacon,
bread and cheese
Melted inside a toaster
Subway bot: Police have been notified.
Now you must go
Linda looking desperate:
Bacon and egg melt, please?
Subway bots: **Braaap braap**
Amber warning lights flash
Bots: now you must go, now you must go
**Code yellow**
Linda draws her gun:
Bacon and egg please!!!
**Silence**
She destroys them both
with rapid fire from her AR 18
Joel to Pal Zee: What was that?
Pal Zee calculates drums
As Kenny Loggins screams
Sparks fly and smoke rises
As the bots die quiet and painlessly
Linda hops over the counter
The dead robots only make her more angry
With the rifle butt
She smashes the salad bar glass furiously
Eventually she opens the toaster
And devours her bacon and egg melt
Ravenously
The ‘Timezone’
Approximately 9am
Pal Zee and the boys walk into a lift
Slumped in the corner lies a dead body
Nick: Someone did shit
Joe: No no no, zombies…
These a zombies Ni Nick
Joel: Owe yah…
Jeremy: Zombie. Eat a dick!
Pal Zee pushes level two
Pal Zee: There is no such thing as zombies
As the elevator rises quick
Nick: Yesh there is
Palzee: We are not having this discussion
The door opens slowly
Pal Zee: Do you hear me Nick?
Joel: We practice our mission!
Joel: Time for training, Nick
They rush for the booming noise,
and neon coloured lights
Not taking Pal Zee with them
Joel: Time Shown!
Pal Zee catches up quick
Palzee recognises the cheaply made
C3PeeOh
The robot at the counter:
Hi, welcome to Timezone.
Hi, welcome to Timezone.
Hi, welcome to Timezone.
Jeremy: Stupid monkey puppet!
All four boys produce swipe cards
lightening quick
Scan them on the screen
and run as fast as they can go
Nick: Boyzsh, this is it!
They make it to a circle in the middle
What looks like an open pit
Each boy walks down and straps in
Pal Zee helps a bit
Goggles, gloves and a little harnessing
Then, on the magnetic treadmills
the boys start running
But Joe is not so fit
Already he takes off his straps
With goggles still on, on the floor he sits
Jeremy: Haha Joe’s too shlow
Joes deep voice: Hehe I quit
On a big screens above them the movie shows
Nick is there and he starts machine gunning
Joel is there and fires his crossbow
Jeremy: Stupid, dumb thing
On the screen his image doesn’t show
Joel: Select option 'B': Quiiiiick!
Pal Zee: Can I help?
Jeremy: No!!!
Joel: Hurry arp!
Joel: Stupid dick
Jeremy pouts: I don’t know
He throws his goggles off
And on the ground he sits
On screen: Three, two, one Go!!!
A trashed supermarket scene
Full of undead ghouls that grope and groan
In there, Nick and Joel can be seen
Firing their weapons
Joel: Dayn jah zone!!!
Joel: Take dis bulleee
As zombie guts splatter around all green
Dead bodies pile up in heaps
As Joel and Nick sweep the area clean
Joel: That’s a miljon points for me!
Nick: The the this is our army
Nick: The River Boys… See!!!
Watching on the sidelines
Feeling slightly annoyed sits Pal Zee
He doesn’t always understand the boys
But to help them in any way he is keen
He doesn’t approve of violence
But a full understanding of people
Takes a while for him to glean
His Zen chip runs analysis…
It’s unlike their other behaviours this
For instance,
why do they enjoy what they see?
Zombies attacking and being shot to bits
Pal Zee much prefers a game of air hockey
Or Mario’s World of Butterfly Bliss
But these boys do get angry
They always sit together and cry
after doing this
Such unusual timing
To weep over the loved ones that they miss
Pal Zee thinking:
I must go and download a bigger library
Improve my psyche analysis
Nick is exasperated: Joel. Finally
They watch the boss zombie die
As it falls with a roar and a hiss
Joel to Nick: Together we can do this!
They brace themselves as they come up
to level five
Pal Zee thinking: They are having lots of fun
That much I will admit